MORNING SHOW: Rachel’s Letter to her Future Husband
Dear Future Husband,
Hello dear. Just wanted to let you know that I was watching the Bachelorette last night, over a box of Kleenex, bottle of Moscato, or two, and box of Dove Special Darks…thinking of you. The fact that I’m writing you a letter is a little bit creepy considering the fact that I haven’t even met you yet, and you’re probably on E-Harmony.com…but I thought it is only proper to let you know what you are in for.
First of all, no, I will never be on time to anything. I’ll probably even be late to my own funeral. And no, constantly checking up on me and asking me “are you ready yet” will NOT quicken the process. In fact, it’s just gonna piss me off and make me take longer because no good makeup job can be completed out of rage. So unless you want to go to the movies with The Joker, then please, pop a Bud Light and sit your ass down.
Speaking of makeup, after about 6 months into this, you should be happy that I’m even wearing makeup. We all know that the first 6 months or so of a relationship, we ladies are still in the “reel him in” phase. Out outfits match, our hair is done, our makeup is flawless, extensions are in… This is all a part of the grand plan, making you and your boys think ‘wow, she is really good looking…how did you get her?’ Well sweetie, enjoy it while you can because one day you are gonna wake up next to the Grinch and there’s nothing you can do about it…because by that time if you try to dip out on me, I can and WILL go a little Britney Spears bald with a baseball bat on you.
Lastly, those weeks when I wear sweatpants and hoodies only are NOT the weeks to mess with me. It’s called a fat week. And when I tell you I’m having one, don’t try to kindly coax me to go to the gym…because we all know that’s man code for “yes chunks, looks like u put on some poundage.” This will only make me lock myself in my room with as many carbohydrates and Twilight movies as I can.
This all might be a little bit scary right now…but rest assured, as long as you don’t break some of these cardinal Rachel Rules, you will have eternal access to some of my best qualities: I’m an undercover Betty Crocker, part-time mechanic, I’m totally down with boy’s night, beer and football, and last but not least. There is my epic power card: there’s another side of Slutty Raquel that’s just for you boo-boo.
Sincerely,
Your Future Wifey
Rachel
